I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
