you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
