Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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