boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
