I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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