1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
