I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
