my sisters under your porch take her home
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
