I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
