I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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