If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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