Someone shit on the floor
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
