i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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