I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize