I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
