I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
