bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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