U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
