literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
