I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
