I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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