peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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