Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
