everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize