Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
