I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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