We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
