You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
How's work?
Spinning.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
