It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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