I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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