I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
