I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
