a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
