This is not my ceiling
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
