God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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