I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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