fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
