I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize