I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
