Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
