I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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