everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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