I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
