i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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