Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
