he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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