I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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