So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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