I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
