We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize