I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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