I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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