you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
