After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
