The maid of honor just puked.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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