I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
