can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
