i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
