I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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