I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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